A week of favorites.

The last week has been full of all my favorites: park time, giggles, play dates, dinner dates as a family, and a little girl time with my bestie and other old friends I don't see very often.  

We haven't had a chance to get out to the park much this spring, er, extended winter.  Everyone has been feeling the blues lately.  Strangers share sympathetic nods while they button their jackets and pull up their hoodies before going out into the cold.  Sunday was a perfect day for everyone to put on their sandals and enjoy the rays before the expected snow begins this afternoon.  We are squeezing Emma into her winter attire that she barely fits into these days.  We refuse to move backwards in the progression of seasons by buying more boots and coats.

May is just around the corner, so we have been busy preparing our schedules for all of the upcoming weddings, graduations, and our favorite girls SECOND birthday!  I just don't know what I did before Emma.  She has become such a little girl.  She still loves to snuggle, which I hope she keeps for always.  She talks like a person.  It's crazy.  Everyday her words and sentences get more clear.  The other day she whispered "I of ooh, Papa" while talking to my dad. When she laughs, her whole body laughs.  It's perfect.  All of her stuffed animals are her "babies".  She has a couple of dolls she is really attached to.  She has us haul all her "babies" (eight stuffed and her dollies) up and down the stairs for every nap, bedtime, and awakening.  She won't let you forget a one.  It's pretty sweet :)  We dance around here a lot.  We will turn on Pandora while preparing meals and jam out.  Our favorite dancing stations are Cyndi Lauper, and The Temptations.  She loves to give hugs and kisses, say "bless you" after a sneeze, and she yells "AMEN" at the end of prayer.  Oh, and she really has a thing for shoes.  She will request a shoe change multiple times a day.     

Oh dear.

Have a great week!

Pedal Pusher.

Brett has wanted to get Emma a tricycle for awhile now.  This Sunday, on our way home from church, Emma holds up an old receipt in the backseat and yells "shopping!"  Brett, in all his daddy-gush glory obliges to her enthusiasm and stops by the first Target we see insisting that this is the day she gets her tricycle. Emma went all shy and passively reached toward the box when daddy asks her if she would like red or pink.  I think she knew we were acting impulsively and irresponsibly considering her birthday is a month away.  She was really excited about her own helmet, though.  The nice lady at the register cut off all the tags so she could wear it out of the store... and all the way home.  She squealed and danced watching Brett assemble her bike when we got back to the house.  Watching her beam with anticipation made it even more exciting for us!

The two of them were so proud riding up and down the block.  They have both been watching the other children in the neighborhood ride around with their daddy's with longing looks in their eyes.  I love watching my husband get so excited about teaching her new things.

What a wonderful way to end our weekend!

Hands...

Over the weekend, we met up with (most of) our small group from church to work on our service project.  We do one at the end of every semester.  This time, we tie-dyed shirts for the young boys at an orphanage in Ethiopia that our church sponsors.  Another group made pillowcase dresses for the little girls.  

I love our church for many reasons.  It has strengthened our faith through sermon 

worship,it has brought us to our amazing circle of friends that prays and plays with us, and it has given us such a heart for service by opening up so many avenues to serve in our community, and now around the world!

I'm not the best Christian.  Sometimes my heart and mind swim in doubt and self-pity.  There are a lot of times I find myself judging others and myself.  I worry too much about things I have, or don't have.  I compare myself to my neighbors. 

Finding this community of precious friends to offer their hands for support and prayer, they help me be a better Christian.  They remind me how connected we are to one another.  They open my heart to Jesus by watching them serve and love without boundaries.  They continue to leave an impression of God's love in my life.

I love that our children are a part of this.  Emma gets to watch this friendship and love and service.  We get to live by example of God's love.  She, and all of our children, watch us serve, pray, worship, behave imperfectly, and fail, and then be re-strengthened by His love. None of us are perfect, but we help hold each other to that bar of where we want to be, when we feel our hands are losing grasp.

My hands are still dyed in tints of black and purple in the creases and around the nails.  I kind of like having a reminder each time I look down of the way He is using our hands!

Bears in Chairs.

I went shopping with one of my girlfriends the other day.  I found a sweet little doll high chair (among other un-necessary items) for next to nothing at the sweetest little antique store.  Emma has loved this, and I've loved watching her tend to babies.  Every time I round a corner, she is feeding her baby or her bear.  There is nothing sweeter than watching your baby loving her babies.

We had a wonderful little potluck with our friends last Tuesday.  We have five kids under the age of two, so baby gates are a must at our gatherings.  The littles stand huddled around the entrances of the kitchen where the ladies gather waving their arms waiting for one of the bigs to feel bad enough to break them out.  Usually it is a dad who breaks down.

The weather is cold again today, and we are missing the sunshine we had over the weekend.  Em and I are taking things easy this week while we can before all the spring busy-ness begins.  In less than four weeks our girl will be TWO!  

Here are a few sweet pictures of our lazy days.  Be sure to scroll through to the bottom to watch Em dance!  Hilarious!

Worthy of prayer.

Sometimes life is so very hard.  It can be hard to be sure if the circumstance can be real, or if the feeling that you have can be actual.  I think that when you have words to describe it, then you can begin to sort through.  I like to think of these words in a file cabinet in the back of my heart with big bold lettering across the front so I can keep them organized.  Then, when time permits, I sit down and open up the drawers of emotion to deal with what makes my circumstance real.  The words that make what I'm feeling actual.  Having a word to describe this makes me feel less crazy.  Like I'm not going through something in life that doesn't even have a description.  It does.  This is it.  This is my crazy, my doubt, my frustration, my denial, my loss, my pain, my lonely, my fear, my anger, my hope, my faith.  But, I have a new word.  Worthy.

I have a really great husband.  He really takes care of me.  He taught me this word a long time ago, but I seemed to have forgotten about it until tonight.  We were going through a new blog that we stumbled across written by a pastor.  This word came up.  I remember this. I am worthy of emotions and questions.  I am worthy enough to put my imperfections and vulnerability out into the elements of harsh judgements and sincere love and acceptance.  I am worthy of support.

We have lost eight babies, my husband and I.  We have been married for almost five years, we have one daughter who is almost two, and eight babies in heaven.  Some were before we had Emma.  Then, there she was this big miracle and everything.  Then we lost more.  Now, here we sit with our words and a whole lot of questions...

Should we start saving for adoption?  It's not easy.  It's not going to the store and picking out a great kid who fits perfectly into your family.  It's expensive.  It's intrusive.  It's a long, hard process.

Should we try to let go and let God and hope for another miracle?  We have five sort-of-kind-of diagnosis that put us at extremely high risks for more miscarriages.  That is not easy.

Should we close shop and move forward with our lives and continue to love and be grateful for Emma?  My heart has a hole. I'm not sure I'm at this point yet.  I know there are so many waiting for just one.  I feel selfish to want more so badly, but there is a hole.

Should we dig deeper into the science of it all to discover why we can't hold a pregnancy, and maybe explore some other options?  There are no guarantees.  This could cost us a lot of money with no reward. 

  These are the hard questions we are being faced with.  We don't really want advice.  I know that every person has opinions and a certainty of thought when it comes to others pain. We have had countless meetings with the appropriate resources to address every option listed.  Please, just take our words and our questions to prayer. Thanks.

xoxo

Happy Easter

 

We had a pretty Happy Easter.  Our little Easter egg hunt with our neighborhood was cancelled on Saturday after a cold rain came through.  I think we are all so exhausted with cold and snow, that the thought of messing with a wet ground was too much effort for any of us to muster up.  Sunday, we made it out to church with our friends for their early service to witness the baptism of their baby boy.  Then we had a nice brunch just the three of us, followed by the late service at our church.  Emma was a pretty good trooper with our busy morning.  We had a pretty relaxing afternoon before heading up to the evening service to work in the toddler room.  It was our first time volunteering with the toddlers since we moved from the nursery.  Thirteen two-year olds rocked our world with their no nap sugar crashes from all their egg hunts and Easter candy.  Quite the experience! 

On Saturday, Emma was able to experience Disney on Ice for the first time!  My friend Brooke has a very sweet mother in law who got us tickets to take the kids.  Unfortunately, little Mason was a little scared, so Brooke took him home before the show started.  We just never know how these little ones are going to feel in these large crowds and big lights.  Emma had a great time! She watched intently for the first twenty minutes, then she started to get comfortable and clapped and danced and waved at princesses.  Such a sweet time with my girl! 

Brett and I have been fighting off a little bug, so we are off to bed early.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!  Have a great week!