Handing control to God...

    I've really had a lot on my heart lately.  It is so difficult for me not to have control over my life.  I've always worked multiple jobs...not part of one.  This was merely to give myself a sense of control.  I want the things I want, when I want them.  I want to have security.  I DO NOT want to rely on anyone else.
    When I became pregnant with Emma, I started to really look around and assessing the situations of mothers around me.  What were my friends doing as parents?  What did my mother do?  What did Brett's mother do?  I carefully observed the lives of the women that I look up to and respect the most.  I did this to track their happiness and fulfillment so that I could apply their strategies to my life to be the best I could be.  We decided that working a couple of days a week while going to school would be a nice compromise.
    In the beginning, I felt overwhelmed.  I felt like half of a nurse, half of a student, and worst of all...half of a mother.  Brett and I prayed for an answer on how to prioritize and organize our lives as new parents to be the best for Emma.
    We took a leap of faith.  I put school on hold to focus just on Emma.  Any plans that I once had have been replaced with plans for my family.  I know that PRN (as needed) nursing isn't secure income, but I really feel that God has set me up to receive the best of both worlds this way.  We prayed about the things we could do without.  How we would handle our savings to maximize our equity, without pulling from what we have worked so hard to put away.
    Working less has been a real struggle for me.  It means that my career goals have changed..goals that I thought were solid.  I think that when you change something that has been a foundation of your being for a long time, it sends you into feelings of insecurity.  Which is pretty much where I am.  I continue to question God on whether or not this is the right path.  The little blessings he continues to send us to ease the pressure, I feel, are his little ways of sending encouragement that this is right.
   These feelings of inadequacy and insecurity though, they linger, they consume.  Everybody has opinions about our change and our plans to come, and that makes it a little more difficult.  I'm ok giving up my own plans for my family...it's the control I'm having a hard time letting go of.
   Today, when I opened up my daily devotions, I found this:  http://devotions.proverbs31.org/.  I feel like God is really trying to speak to me.  I feel like this giving up full time work has really made me feel like I have lost my sense of control and freedom.  At the same time, I hate having to leave Em at all to go to work, so I'm very conflicted.  This little devotion really spoke to me about God's plan in my life.  While I'm receiving all of God's blessings...I'm handing him my control.  In doing this, I need to give him my fears. It's a work in progress!

I'm not sure who is reading this little blog.  However, it sure is therapeutic to get rid of these thoughts that cloud your mind!
                                                                Have a nice week!