Worthy of prayer.

Sometimes life is so very hard.  It can be hard to be sure if the circumstance can be real, or if the feeling that you have can be actual.  I think that when you have words to describe it, then you can begin to sort through.  I like to think of these words in a file cabinet in the back of my heart with big bold lettering across the front so I can keep them organized.  Then, when time permits, I sit down and open up the drawers of emotion to deal with what makes my circumstance real.  The words that make what I'm feeling actual.  Having a word to describe this makes me feel less crazy.  Like I'm not going through something in life that doesn't even have a description.  It does.  This is it.  This is my crazy, my doubt, my frustration, my denial, my loss, my pain, my lonely, my fear, my anger, my hope, my faith.  But, I have a new word.  Worthy.

I have a really great husband.  He really takes care of me.  He taught me this word a long time ago, but I seemed to have forgotten about it until tonight.  We were going through a new blog that we stumbled across written by a pastor.  This word came up.  I remember this. I am worthy of emotions and questions.  I am worthy enough to put my imperfections and vulnerability out into the elements of harsh judgements and sincere love and acceptance.  I am worthy of support.

We have lost eight babies, my husband and I.  We have been married for almost five years, we have one daughter who is almost two, and eight babies in heaven.  Some were before we had Emma.  Then, there she was this big miracle and everything.  Then we lost more.  Now, here we sit with our words and a whole lot of questions...

Should we start saving for adoption?  It's not easy.  It's not going to the store and picking out a great kid who fits perfectly into your family.  It's expensive.  It's intrusive.  It's a long, hard process.

Should we try to let go and let God and hope for another miracle?  We have five sort-of-kind-of diagnosis that put us at extremely high risks for more miscarriages.  That is not easy.

Should we close shop and move forward with our lives and continue to love and be grateful for Emma?  My heart has a hole. I'm not sure I'm at this point yet.  I know there are so many waiting for just one.  I feel selfish to want more so badly, but there is a hole.

Should we dig deeper into the science of it all to discover why we can't hold a pregnancy, and maybe explore some other options?  There are no guarantees.  This could cost us a lot of money with no reward. 

  These are the hard questions we are being faced with.  We don't really want advice.  I know that every person has opinions and a certainty of thought when it comes to others pain. We have had countless meetings with the appropriate resources to address every option listed.  Please, just take our words and our questions to prayer. Thanks.

xoxo