On insecurities and self-forgiveness.

Sitting around a table on our lunch break yesterday, somehow all of our birth stories came up.  I think it started with talking about somebody's recent breast augmentation, which led to breastfeeding, which then turned to the avenue in which each of our little miracles made their entrance into the world.  One of five was able to do an all natural, breastfeeding till their kid was two, how God-intended make a baby, birth a baby, feed a baby process. The rest of us either couldn't breastfeed, couldn't make a baby, or had a c-section.  A few eyes went misty when the talk of insecurities came up.  This is really sad, but this is the first honest-about-your-feelings conversation I have had with a group of sympathetic ladies.  I have had my one-on-one rants with my husband or the friend here and there who didn't fall into the category of "mother-fail".  But, to really have a sit down and open your heart discussion about the complicating recovery from the inability to make, birth, and feed a baby the God-intended way with women who understand the heartbreak... how healing.  I only wish that lunch break was longer than thirty minutes.

I grew up on a home grown garden, feeding off of local veggie-fed cows, with every natural remedy known to man for all ailments from my grannie down the street.  I wasn't on birth control.  I have always exercised and maintained a diet within moderation.  I jog, I do pilates, I dabbled in yoga.  I would consider myself a proactive person when it comes to health.  I go to the doctor when I need to, and have all my yearly exams.  I have always prided myself in the measures  I took to control my weight, my endurance, and my health.  Reproductively, however, I have no control.

I would have loved to have had an all natural everything way when it came to babies.  But I couldn't.  I gave up on the idea of it all when it took multiple miscarriages and doctors to get pregnant in the first place.  I had a head-set and a heartbeat finder that I used everyday the entire length of my pregnancy with Emma, to ensure that my baby still did indeed have a heartbeat.  A headcase, feeling as though my uterus was a ticking time bomb, I demanded an induction from my obstetrician as soon as it was safe, to save my baby from the ill-incapacitation of my belly.  I was ok having a c-section when things didn't progress and complications arose.  I tried my best to breastfeed, but it just wasn't the route that my baby required as her weight plummeted (trust me, we saw every specialist out there).  While I think I have had some down-in-my-heart bitterness and insecurities about this lack of control over my body... I forgive myself. 

What I (and my lady friends) need to remember, is we can't believe that the worldly assumption of "God-intended" is correct.  I'm realizing more and more, than God intends on me being persistent and strong.  God's intention put me in a time with all of the talented doctors he has created.  God intends on me being grateful for the skills and tools in my time period that gave me and my baby a fighting chance through childbirth.  He gave us special formulas.  He gave us medication that would help my baby gain weight and be free from pain when the all natural remedies didn't work.  God intends on me to use His blessings to remind my children how special they are, how much we were willing to work to have them here, and all the blessings He gave to ensure their health.  God forever wants me to be patient and caring with others when they must rely on His control, and not their own... for whatever health or life issue they may be dealing with.  Having disease, illness, or reproductive set-backs does not mean that He wants us to be sick, to die, to not have children.  He loves us.  He wants us to have health.  He wants us to have life. (Unless, of course, it is time to go home.)  We are intended to do what it takes, and be ok with His plans, even if they conflict with our own. Every situation we are faced with is a learning and teaching opportunity for us to interact with others, and to accept the imperfections in our travels through life.

They should put this stuff in the baby books.