Well, we had a nice Easter. It was crazy hectic on Saturday with egg hunts and the Easter bunny, but we survived, and we have wonderful memories. Sunday, we took it easy. We didn't have family in town, so Easter day was pretty low key. We had a nice day with just the three of us, reflecting on Easter. It's always nice to celebrate, especially when we are talking about the celebration of our salvation through the cross.
Monday, we took the day off. Emma went to day care, and mommy and daddy had an all-day date. It was lovely. That is, until a woman in a little girls boutique misunderstood me and announced to the store that I was pregnant. Not just pregnant, but that I was having a girl. I don't know how she got that out of, "we are getting ready to celebrate my daughter's first birthday." Now, I know that I'm no skinny minny, but I don't think that I look far enough pregnant to know the gender of child I would be carrying. It hurt. Not just because she thought I was pregnant, but because I know that I should be pregnant. I should be eight months pregnant, or six months pregnant, or four months pregnant with twins. Her remark only reminded me that I'm not.
The rest of the day, I let my insecurities take over. I didn't really eat my lunch. I snuck into a Victoria's Secret and bought an extra small pair of spanx, which led to the cutting off of circulation to my legs during our matinee. That night as we laid down in bed the tears came. I was broken. My heart felt broken, along with my body. I look pregnant when I'm not, I don't stay pregnant when I am, and the back and forth hormone fluctuation from all of this has left my body in shambles. The skin changes, the thinning of hair, the round tummy that just doesn't know what it's suppose to do.
We've been on a baby break. I've always wanted a lot of babies. I know that my time is limited to have the large family I always wanted. We are hoping that taking time to let me body heal will make it easier for my body to carry later on. It is just so hard to be patient. Not trying for babies when the clock is ticking leaves me feeling anxious all the time.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for, and I feel so selfish to be telling God what I need. I just don't know his plan. Should I be staying positive that my time will come, or should I be preparing myself that I may only have one child? I've never been a "wait and see" kind of girl. I'm a nurse. I asses and treat. But, how do you treat this kind of broken?
Oh my sweet friend...I am thinking of you, praying for you. It hurts my heart that you are going through this agony and pain. I pray for healing dear one. I pray God wraps you in His arms and comforts your spirit.
ReplyDeleteAlways tell God what you need, and ask for the things you want in your life. He will provide, or He might not. He provided Ems. She is a gift.
I hope you start healing my friend, and in the meantime, lean not on your own understanding - but on His.
xoxo
Thank you for your sweet words, Sherri. I do need prayers, so thank you for those. I always thought that I was stronger than this, and somewhere in the last couple of weeks, I've realized that I'm not. Not on my own at least. I appreciate you friend!
DeleteHi, Erin! This is Sandra Kelly, from Instagram. :) It seems the more I read about you, the more I find we have in common and I love to see how much you love your sweet little girl. I'm so glad to have found you!
ReplyDeleteI also just want to tell you how sorry I am for the day you had. I have miscarried, too, and it was devastating. I have had friends who miscarried and while I knew it was such a sad thing, I just never understood the depth of that loss. I guess I'm telling you that so that (even though I know you probably know) you're not alone in that grief. My heart hurts for you that that woman announced what she did aloud in the store and that it made you even more conscious of the baby(ies) you're missing. Don't you wish He would just give us a map of life and what to expect sometimes? It can be so hard.
So, from one mommy who misses her baby to another, you are beautiful, He can use this painful time in your life to create more beauty someday, and I'm lifting you up in prayer today! Praying for peace for you. :)
Thank you Sandra for your prayers! A map would be nice! Maybe little 'watch out ahead' signs along the way. I know that things will work out the way they should, and that there is a beautiful plan for me. Thank you for all your inspiration. Watching women like yourself with your strong faith helps me through my own struggles.
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